Yesterday, while spending a quiet moment with Father, I found myself looking at the tattoos on my arm. I have seen them so many times, but somehow yesterday they made me stop for a while.
Then the old questions came back. Was it the right thing to do back then? What was I thinking? Did I really need them?
With those questions came the familiar feelings too. That quiet self-blame, the feeling that I was not good enough, and the old habit of looking back and questioning myself.
Even after accepting Jesus as my Saviour and knowing I can always turn to Him, I still have moments like this. I think perhaps I always will. What feels different now is not that these thoughts have disappeared. They have not. It is simply that I do not respond to them in the same way anymore.
Years ago, I could have stayed with those thoughts for a long time. I would replay the past, think about what I should have done differently, and slowly sink into that familiar sadness. I had lived with that way of thinking for so long that it almost felt normal.
But yesterday, instead of letting myself fall into it, I started wondering why those thoughts had come back. Why today? Why this memory? Was there something Father wanted me to notice?
As I sat there quietly, I realised the tattoos were only where the thought began. Tomorrow, it could be something else. A job I once had, someone I knew years ago, an opportunity I accepted, or one I chose not to take. There are so many parts of life that can return to us without warning.
I cannot change any of them now. They are already part of my story.
There are things I would probably do differently today. Times when I lacked wisdom. Times when I simply made the best decision I knew how to make with what I understood then. Maybe that is part of growing too.
The past itself has not changed, but I can see that something in me has.
When an uncomfortable thought comes back now, I do not have to follow it all the way down. I can bring it to Father, sit with it for a while, and ask why it is there instead of immediately believing everything it makes me feel about myself.
Most of the time, the heaviness slowly passes. Not because I suddenly understand everything, but because I am learning to be gentler with the person I was then. I can see the lessons more clearly now, and I can also see that God is still changing me little by little.
Yesterday, looking at my tattoos did not leave me feeling regretful. It simply made me realise that although the past is still there, I am not standing in the same place anymore.
And for that, I am thankful.